Is everyone self-medicating?
First, for context, I’m a 38-year-old widow who is dating a 45-year-old former musician and self-proclaimed “partier”. Now in a job where he’s routinely drug tested, the only partying this guy does is drink at a social event.
Last night, we went to a bluegrass concert with several of his old friends from back when he was in his 20s. Despite the artist being billed as a bluegrass musician, upon arriving at the fest and seeing booze-swilling fans clad in tie-dye and bell bottoms, it appeared the ’60s were back in full force, and I in my cute sleeveless plaid and cutoff denim shorts (how else do you dress for a blue grass concert for a musician you literally only just heard of?!) was from a completely different era and genre.
As the show got moving, I couldn’t get over how many people openly smoked pot (I mean, outdoor concert, I get it, but I suppose I somehow thought by the time we hit middle age, we wouldn’t need drugs to chill out or enjoy life), but as I got to talking to one of my partner’s friends, I realized how many people were doing way more than smoking…and it was more than at just concerts.
The first guy I talked to routinely smoked pot, popped Mollies (a couple of his other friends who I thought were only smoking had them), regulated with Klonopin, and took other pills just to cope with daily life…on top of drinking alcohol.
While we mutually agreed that we had the propensity to use alcohol in a way that some of his other friends didn’t (my SO included), which is to alleviate anxiety and to deal with trauma, I was stunned about the other drugs, and suddenly, I felt like my outfit — out of place.
Even among the non-alcoholic community, based on the comments, I believe I am one of few who isn’t on some kind of antidepressant. Everyone is medicated either legally or illegally. All of the moms on the train to sober-ville, who speak out against the self-medicating mommy wine culture rhetoric, are still not doing it all on their own. And while, yes, they are “doing the work”, doing the shit to improve their mental health and coping insofar as walking away from booze and the haze and regret it brings, they’re still chemically altering their states.
The more I talked to my SO’s friends, the more I realized my observations had meat — it wasn’t just that one guy; it was everybody. I remember asking someone how they were even able to get on antidepressants. One person told me that because of my age, I could ask my general practitioner for any antidepressant I wanted, and they’d put me on it; I didn’t even need to explain why I was asking.
Are antidepressants the new alcohol? Everyone seems so normal and happy, but is it because they’re all on prescription mood drugs? My head swam; I thought the point of growing up, of dealing with trauma, of being natural and crunchy, of doing yoga and three meditations a day and reflecting and journaling was to not need to take antidepressants or anything else; I thought we were trying to live lives as organic as our wheatgrass smoothies, lives that are replete with natural dopamine and serotonin.
Personally, I am five years into my realization that carrying my habits from my 20s into my 30s was going to kill me one day and initiating the study and then the work, so that one day, I wouldn’t need a substance be it booze, drugs, maxed out credit cards, pills, or some guy’s penis, to believe I was lovable, to deal with the hard shit, or just to have fun.
Despite the fact that I did drink at last night’s show, I didn’t drink the way I drank in my 20s where concerts, sporting events, Thursdays, etc. were all just great excuses to drink. So, what made me think that by the time we were “adults”, we wouldn’t still be doing the same thing? (I’m not being judgmental because even as I write this, I wish that I’d have not drank or would’ve drank less, so I not only could’ve been more present but also so that I could’ve felt fresher this morning before I go for a run.)
In reflecting on my own behavior and my observations, I just wonder…do we really need all of these substances to live and to have fun or are we still going along with the crowd? For me, despite my ego wanting to believe I’m extremely independent, I go along with the crowd. Drinking is hard proof of that; I didn’t need alcohol to have fun for 23 years, and now, for 15 years, barring the months I was pregnant, somehow I’ve “needed” to drink, even at last night’s show, even with all of the awareness and curiosity I possess.
But why? Isn’t life rich enough? And…isn’t that the point of “the work” holistic psychologists and quit-lit memoirists and the growing sober community goes on about? Isn’t that what I’ve been working toward? Isn’t this the point of the therapy and the reparenting and the self-love and the affirmations?
I mean, isn’t the point to get past all of the insecurity and anxiety of our adolescence and early adulthood and to stop following the crowd, so we could enjoy this beautiful world, the art we create in it, the relationships we form, and the rich emotions and experiences we have as a result of all of these things…without needing to numb or enhance the experience? Are we really that incapable of having an authentic life?
And, if it’s not obvious, by “we”, I mean “I”. I have to wonder these things because as has happened many times in my life, where I realized my norms and habits were the exception and not the rule, I felt so alien. But unlike when I was in my 20s and started going along with the crowd (perfectly fine and normal considering humans have herd mentality and a genuine need for connection and community), this is one arena where I want what I’ve been working toward far more than I want to fit in. What I’m saying is being plaid…it’s pretty cool.
