4 Ways to Protect Your Mental Health & Your Sobriety During the Holidays
First, I’m not going to claim to be sober in the “I’m never going to drink again” kind of way, but I’ve been sober curious, and I am on a break (kind of the way Jennifer Garner is). I have reached a point in my adulthood when I recognize that alcohol no longer serves me (as if it ever did), and I can see it for how dangerous it is. My husband’s death in August 2019 blew my drinking habit from a borderline-toxic-but-mommy-wine-culture-approved daily glass (bottle) of wine into full-blown alcohol use disorder. No booze was safe from me. I drank the fine Scotch Sean procured in Ireland during his 2010 deployment to Kandahar. I drank the shitty rum we’d had for God-knows-how-long. I drank the Jim Beam. I drank vodka and tequila straight out of the bottle without batting an eyelash (it’s those shots of apple cider vinegar that really f**k you up). I know — you get it…I had a drinking problem.
Because I was high-functioning, nobody knew how much I was drinking; the assumption by my new SO and everyone else was that I was getting schnockered on the glass or two of wine I claimed to drink a night (so freaking cute). Even I knew I wasn’t okay, but I just couldn’t sit still with my feelings, but I also knew that something had to give, or I was going to die.
First came learning to sit with my feelings, then came breaking bad habits. I’d done the research and the work. I can lead a class with my wealth of knowledge about trauma and addiction and how alcohol works in the brain and the body and how it feeds both a craving for itself and for anxiety.
The ugly reality of being sober is that even if you are ready to take it or leave it (as Annie Grace touts in This Naked Mind) and even if you know all of the facts around alcohol (it’s ethanol you guys, and if you drank it without the sugars and dilution to make it palatable, you’d literally die on the spot), quitting isn’t that easy because ultimately, it came down to a “I’m not going to buy it, and I’m not going to drink it.”
Quitting or changing a habit is especially not easy around the holidays. Whether you’re trying to quit around a boozy family where you might feel like the odd-man-out or you’re like me and you’re the freak widow with grief and anxiety around parents who cannot understand why something that happened two years ago still affects you, the choice of not drinking is on you.
To preserve your mental health and sobriety today and for the holiday season (or just in general), here are some strategies that I, too, plan to employ.
1. Employ Conversational Boundaries
Therapy has taught me that some people will interject shame into seemingly harmless comments. For example, my mother told my daughters a couple of weeks ago that “tattoos are sinful” when they came home from the arts festival with Henna tattoos. My mother knows about, but has not acknowledged, the substantial, beautiful thigh-piece that I got a few months. So, I know this is a shaming comment intended to trigger me.
I know even if I am triggered, I have to reign in my reactive response, which is to defend myself or to have hurt feelings. To establish conversational boundaries, just say any one of the following things:
“Thank you for sharing your opinion, but that’s not something I feel like talking about right now.”
“I don’t feel that’s something we need to discuss here.”
“That’s really not something I’m willing to talk about.”
“Okay.” (My personal favorite. Saying “okay” to triggering comments is great because the reaction of the person triggering you is telling. Someone who is making innocent-but-triggering comments will be nonplussed and will happily move forward to a new topic. Someone trying to trigger you will become increasingly frustrated and enraged at your lack of reaction. How dare you not be good supply for them? When this happens, consequently, you should know that you will always need major boundaries with this person.
2. Have a Non-Alcoholic Treat or Beverage
Recently, I found a wonderful alcohol-removed Sauvignon Blanc by Geissen. It’s not cheap ($14.99 at Whole Foods), but it’s the first NA wine that tastes like actual wine and not weird, overpriced juice. I love it and don’t feel any guilt about drinking as much as I want (other than the price). I actually DO like the taste of wine, and I’m finding that the NA wine has a placebo effect of helping me to relax when I’m stressed.
Having been to multiple social events and not drank alcohol, I’m honestly okay not drinking, but when I’m stressed or anxious, sometimes it helps to have something to drink. Have an NA drink on hand that you enjoy as sometimes just the act of sipping or drinking a big glass of water will soothe those flaming nerves. These are some things that I like to either bring or to drink in places where I’m inclined to be stressed:
→ Anything fizzy. Sparkling water. Fizzy flavored water. Fizzy water mixed with a dash of fruit juice. Bubbles.
→ Energy drinks. I love my energy drinks. They taste good and give me something to sip on. My favorite brand is Nooma because they have clean caffeine and lots of necessary feel-good vitamins.
→ A favorite treat. I love white chocolate peppermint bark, salted caramels, and crunchy toffee. In the past, I’ve passed on my favorite sweet treats because of all of the calories in alcohol, but if I’m not drinking then I’m allowed to savor the indulgence of a favorite sweet treat and melt into the solace provided there.
3. Leave When You’re at Your Limit
Whether your family is boozy and thus difficult to be around for too long or you’re just struggling to keep your fragmented mental health taped together (ahem), have an exit strategy. My timeframe is two hours. I am committing to staying for two hours. I don’t have a partner going with me today, so it’s all on me to get in and get out, thankfully. I don’t have to persuade someone else that it’s time to leave when I know that staying any longer will induce stress or anguish that could comprise my commitment to my health.
4. Give Yourself Frequent Time-Outs to Remain Present
If you are with a partner and cannot leave within a given timeframe, take multiple breaks during the day. Every hour, take five minutes to yourself to reframe and to bring yourself back to the present moment. I repeat this mantra when I am overwhelmed, “I am here. I am safe. I am okay. Everything is okay.” Repeat this.
If you’re surrounded by alcohol and feel compelled to drink, then remember what Laura McKowen says in We are the Luckiest, which is when she didn’t think she could “do this” (quit drinking), she was asked, “Are you drinking in this moment?” No. “This moment?” No. “This moment?” No. If you must, take it moment-by-moment. Am I okay in this moment? Yes. If you are okay in this moment, then you will be okay in the next.
Anxiety is when we live in the future. You only become anxious about drinking or not drinking (or committing homicide, whatever your thing is) when you start to project beyond the moment that you’re in. Stay here. Stay in the moment. Disconnect from the crowd to reconnect with yourself.
Final Thoughts
The holidays aren’t easy for many of us. We all have struggles, and for those of us who are in flux, who are openly changing (me through grief and recovering from AUD), this can make others uncomfortable. My family doesn’t understand how the holidays affect me; yours may not understand why you’ve decided to quit drinking. Pressure is everywhere, but you are in control. You can do this.
I am grateful for everyone who has lived before me…people like my grandmother who also lost her first husband and a baby…and for people who decided to change drinking habits when they no longer served them. These are hard things to do, but they are worth it. We are worth it. The people who have shown us this prove it can be done, and even if we feel alone in the moment today (or any day), we must remember we have a wall of support and strength stacked behind us.
Happy Thanksgiving to you, fellow changers. Let me know how you do today.
Peace, love, & prose,
Amy
